The moment I first wielded my holy symbol in prayer, I knew I was walking the correct path for me.
It was a dreary night in October. It had been over a year since the baptism of my children, and I had not gone to church in several months. Part of it was truly banal - the "Family" Mass at St. Elizabeth of Hungary Parish was 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday, and the night owl within me fought tooth and nail to keep from getting up, getting the family ready, and making the weekly pilgrimage to pray.
Part of it had been a crisis of faith. You see, being Catholic is not an easy road to walk. It requires walking a very narrow path, and it is very easy to wander off said path. It requires belief in a world that increasingly demands a constant state of doubt. It requires chastity (in both the literal and figurative sense) in a society that constantly rewards the accepting of temptation. And it require obedience, even when you don't always agree with the way things must be.
But despite all of these challenges, the faith of my birth is truly a wondrous one. It's a faith of learning - despite the rumors, Catholicism and science are lifelong friends. Furthermore, Catholicism challenges you to always be improving yourself. Sometimes that's as simple as working on escaping the grip of a particular sin, but it's the study of the scriptures and church documents that the real depth appears. Just when you think you can't go any deeper into the wonders of the teachings of the Magisterium, you discover another Church Father you haven't learned from, or another revelation as to why the rules are just so.
And those rules are part of what I came to love about the Church. The Truth of it all. In 2,000 some odd years of studying the world, and humanity, and faith, the Catholic Church had answered a whole lot of the questions about God people ask. And sometimes the answers aren't easy - often, they're very hard to hear. But in the same way a parent tries to gently guide a child though life with superior life experience, so too does the Church guide the faithful with its superior experience.
So, in endeavoring to learn about the Catholic faith, I had come to a place of peace about my crisis. While my questions hadn't been entirely answered (and I expect that they won't for as long as I travel this mortal life), I'd found resolution. I had made the choice - I wasn't going to think about being a Catholic anymore. On that dreary night, I took the spiritual steps to be lead home.
But that didn't resolve the fact that I still yearned to be a Cleric. So my second step, which I also took that night, as to ask myself a rather profound question:
If I were role playing a Catholic Cleric, what would I be required to do?
Of course, I couldn't take the massive step of being a complete and total priest that very night. I had to accept that, despite being 30 years of age, I was rolling up a Level 1 Cleric. Despite my past, I was somewhat new to my faith, and becoming a honest to goodness Cleric would take time and practice. I couldn't just decide to level up because I wanted to - like the rules behind the gamemaster's screen, that's just not how life works.
So, I researched, and considered what a Catholic Cleric would do. The first thing a Cleric would do is attend religious services. So, I resolved to attend church every week - I even found a 5:30pm Mass on Sundays that is the perfect end to a day of rest.
I then thought about his vestments, and their reflection of his commitment to his God. I went into a collection of old keepsakes of mine, and brought out the sacramental vestments of a lay person of the church - the Brown Scapular that I had been enrolled with on the day of my First Communion. I put it on, and have seldom taken it off since.
I then thought about the powers a Cleric is given daily, and it occurred to me how a Cleric gets those powers: He spends time in prayer to his God. So, I resolved to pray every day. And the common devotional prayer of the Catholic faith is praying the rosary. So I started to teach myself the words (with a little help from technology), the mysteries, and before I knew it I had a rosary of my own, with my hands expertly weaving their way through the beads. Which suited the class of a Cleric too...after all, what is a Cleric without his holy symbol.
I can't say I've been perfect in my pursuits - after all, to sin is to be human. However, for the first time in my life, I've found clarity. And to think, without all those night of gaming, I wouldn't have such a clarity as thus:
I am a Catholic. And my journey has lead me to begin, in the world I live in now, to walk the path of the Cleric. And it that journey that I hope to share with all of you.
Postscript - As I stated before, there's always something to learn about being a Catholic. I once thought that my journey down the path of the Catholic Cleric had ended when I became a husband. However, God had another surprise for me. You see, despite my vocation as a married man and father, I can still take on the vocation of Deacon. It would a role of tremendous service, I accept, but it would also fulfill that old dream of mine. I don't know if it's the path I'm intended to yet walk, but it is certainly a strong possibility.
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